Monday, May 23, 2005

this one i heard at airport bar..

you will appreciate it if you know the vocabulary of golf.

a couple are playing golf. the 4th hole is a dog's tail. Its curved and there is a empty barn in the way in straight line towards green. hubby says to his wife that if he hits the ball low and fast enough, he can have a birdie.
wife: i would advise against that. It wont work.
hubby: i think i will do it.
hubby hits, the ball hits the barn and returns back at faster speed, strikes his wife straight on middle of forehead and she dies..

A year later hubby is playing the same course with his buddy and reach the same hole.
buddy: i think i can make the ball go through the barn for a birdie.
hubby: i wouldnt advise you to do that.. I tried that last year and i had my worst game score in this course.

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FYI : Golf terms..

par : A number assigned to an individual hole and to the full collection of holes on a course that represents the expected number of strokes it should take to play each hole.

birdie: A score on an individual hole that is one stroke below par.

even: A score that matches par for a hole or for a round.

bogey: A score of one over par on any individual hole.
double bogey: a score 2 over par and so forth

come on...

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus.
The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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Three guys are having a drink at the bar when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the tallest guy in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!" The guy in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back into the street. A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the same bar, points a grimy finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!". Finally, the tall guy in middle responds, "I know dad! I heard you the first time now go home!"

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A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

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A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Little John, LIttle Suzie

Math Homework

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

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Drivers License

A Mom is driving her little suzie to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little suzie asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little suzie says. "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions, and really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little suzie asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it." Later that night, the little suzie says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little suzie says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "And why's that?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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Hide and Seek

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

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Cop on Horse

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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Missing Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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Cursing Problem

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Justin replies, "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch!"

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Many Days Later II B

Sports Scholarships are an Oxymoron
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." --Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." --Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height" --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." --Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class" --George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." --Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." --Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

Many Days Later II

i got this via an email. Let me know if someone has copyright of this thing. will remove it ..

25 Weird Sex Laws

1. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

2. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

3. In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

4. If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

5. Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

6. A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

7. In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

8. A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

9. In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

10. A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

11. Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

12.Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

13. During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

14. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

15. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

16. Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

17. In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

18. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

19. Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

20. In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

21. A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

22. No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

23. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

24. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

25. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

NOTE: Some of these laws have not been verified as accurate.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Many Days Later


S & M Magazine
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning.
He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him." ____________________________________________________________________>>Teachers

Pet Peeve
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?
Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Day VI

17 Children
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband. Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husband's death she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."


anther one..


A Wedding Promise
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

Baby Knows All
A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

Friday, March 11, 2005

Day V

whatever..
life in the end becomes whatever..
life sucko mucho..

head a new one today..

3 blondes are drinking sharing a can of 1 calorie coke..
they devide into 3 cups and 2 of them drink up.. the third blonde stares at the cup for a long time and then says" i wonder which cup had the calorie"

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Day IV

got a very classic blonde joke.

q. how do you tell if a blonde has been driving your car ?
a. well there would be lipstick around the steering wheel when she tried to blow the horn.

another ... not a blonde though..

little johnny saw his mother apply cold cream :
LJ: what are you doing ?
M: i am applying this cream so that i look more beautiful

she is wiping away extra cream with the tissue :

LJ: Gave up !


there is another one:

q. how much calcium is there in breast milk ?










enough already...




a: enough to make a bone 7 inchs long..



thats all for today..
see ya later